Everyday

There are those moments when I nonchalantly pop a hot Cheetos in my mouth while bobbing my head to music, that I think back to the times of when I used to be really close with this one person in middle school. Incredible how two completely irrelevant objects can spark a memory. I suppose my current situation of being apart from some really good friends reminded me of those days.

Human relationships. They really are fragile. Even thirty minutes of distance without means to communicate can eventually build an awkward atmosphere between two good friends. At first they start conversing because they have missed each other but eventually, the time spent apart comes and sits on them like a monster with an ugly personality.

Though I do have one friend I can talk to without worrying about the ugly monster of time, I feel like there are still many things she doesn't know about me only because she's not there to witness my surroundings or to study my face for any hints of darkness that have visited and passed in these several years she has moved away. The manner of my thoughts are this way because I don't know entirely of what goes on in her life at this moment either. I'm not there to see or hear it all. But, I am grateful to have a precious friend like her.

But, sometimes I wish I could connect easily with other people as well. Like, why can't my relationships with other people be like this one when I have several other more people I want to converse with? Why can't our friendship be as long and enduring as this one?

I keep thinking about my friend from middle school. A popular person that I became friends with by chance. A chance that came when I found out that person was leaving. We weren't even familiar with each other when we exchanged usernames. Then one conversation online led to having several conversations throughout the week.

For two years, we were able to keep this up. But the odds weren't in our favor and like most long distant friends, we fell. I can't remember who stopped first. All I remember is that up until today, I have tried several ways to keep in touch and failed, feeling betrayed. Despite everything my friend said to me, I guess I wasn't worth the distance.

To be honest, I barely remember much of anything we talked about. Did our conversations have any depth? The things we laughed about, the things we talked about in a free and energetic manner, what were they? Were they even real? Were we being unrealistic? Does my friend even miss me like I do? How much have we both changed?

How can one person disappear from my life like that?

Sometimes I'm mad, hopeful, longing, but they're all full of wishes spent on dead stars. Maybe I'm just prolonging the magic of those childish days. Because just like that ugly monster, time spent apart won't go away for us. I'm sure that even if we were miraculously brought together again, things wouldn't change. Nothing would.

Those childish, innocent days in my memories will be just that. Innocent. And those memories just won't change. They'll remain there stacked in the back making room for new ones.

Even if I doubt that they were even real.